There are few things that can make me smile and raise my spirits quite like this little lady can, she’s like a magic elixir for all of lifes little problems, and she just seems to get more adorable by the day! When I got married there was only one lady in my life, my number one, my best friend, and it kinda goes without saying really. Its why we get married, and if you don’t feel that way once you’re married, then I’m pretty certain that you’ve probably made a bad decision and married the wrong person! Over the years I had a few long term relationships, but looking back I never really worked out why… I never saw any kind of future with any of them at all, there were always too many incompatibilities, and never enough compromise, if anything they were only long term out of habit and the fear of what I’d do next if they were over! Ridiculous when you think about it really, I should have had the fear of wasting my life away by being with the wrong person rather than where I’d end up living in the short term. I guess not having a lot of money played a part, if I could have afforded to just get up and walk out without considering the financial implications, I think I may not have wasted quite so much time! But thats all just academic now, the what ifs will never change anything, and I guess at the time I was just rolling the dice to see where it would take me, not wanting to be seen as a quitter, not wanting the failure of the relationship to be blamed on me. I began to wonder if it was just me, in all my failed relationships there was one universal factor… me! Maybe I just wasn’t very good at this kind of thing? Some girls wanted a bad boy, some girls wanted a dominant guy… I was just a nice guy, and I’d kinda heard that nice guys finish last! I was beginning to believe it, and wonder if there was any place in the world for a nice guy at all, and then I met my wonderful wife… although at the time I didn’t know she’d be my wife, but I knew from the second I met her that something about her was different!
Then, once we were married, along came Olivia, and my priorities shifted. I had a new number one, and so did Clare, it was no secret, we’d both taken second place from hereon in! A very solid second place I’d like to add, no wishy-washy “oh are you still here?” kinda second place! It was something I had heard would happen, and I never quite knew when it was going to hit. All through the pregnancy I didn’t feel it. When we went for the scans and saw her, I didn’t feel it. Even reading all the books and knowing exactly what I should be doing when she got here, I didn’t feel it. I wondered if I had should have felt some kind of connection with the baby before she was born? Was this normal to not feel anything? Well, apparently it was, and the second she arrived things changed. From the moment I held her in my arms and saw how fragile she was and how totally dependent on us she was, I was suddenly her protector, and she was the most important thing in the world to me! That thunderbolt I’d been waiting for had hit!
She is what I need on days like today, when I am not feeling quite so energetic, when I don’t really have the patience or tolerance that I know I should have. I’ve had this for a few weeks now, when I am feeling fed up with most things, like everything is very quickly and easily getting on top of me. I thought maybe I was just doing too much and not leaving enough time for myself, and so tried to slow down a little, put a few things on hold here and there, but it hasn’t made a difference. I think this is where my lack of passion for the jujitsu is coming from, and I was thinking maybe taking a few weeks off may help. What I think it is actually down to is one of those frowned upon “invisible” things that a lot of people don’t even believe exists, known as Seasonal Affective Disorder, or SAD. I haven’t had this for a few years, but I did used to get it each year, around this time, late October going into November, and I recognise the symptoms. When I initially told Clare she just looked at me like I’d told her I suddenly wanted to be known only as Peter Pan, not the reaction I’d hoped for, but not a surprise, as I said, a lot of people don’t really take it seriously. When I say seriously, I don’t mean “handle me with kid gloves or I might die!”, I just mean actually believing its a thing at all. But to me, it all suddenly makes a lot more sense as to why I have been feeling like I have for the last couple of weeks, not that it changes how I actually feel, but at least it answers WHY I have been feeling like this. Sure, I could do to the doctors, but there is no guarantee that they will take it any more seriously than Clare did, and to be honest, I don’t really care much for doctors to just be dismissing me and telling me to get over it. I don’t have a huge amount of faith in them and their diagnoses anyway, from personal experience. I know what I have will pass eventually, and I just need to do what I can to work around it, to recognise when I am having a bad day, and try to push through it as best I can! As long as it doesn’t get any worse than this, then I should be fine. As long as my beautiful little daughter is there to add a little sunshine to my day and my wife is by my side, then my day will be a good one!